Feeling Needy?

We ALL have needs. In effect, we are born into a sea of needs, and meeting them is crucial. When we do, it can lead to our greatest fulfillment. And when we don’t, it can be the source of some of our biggest conflicts and disappointments.

So it is useful to know what our needs actually are. Beyond the obvious physical needs, there are fundamental psychological needs that drive us. For example:

Safety, Security / Protection Physical nurturance: air, water, food, exercise, shelter, touch Health Rest, sleep Balance	To matter Respect Equality Consideration Attention Appreciation	Purpose / meaning Satisfaction / achievement Growth and development; knowledge, learning, guidance, feedback Honesty – that which empowers us to learn and grow – neutrally given
Solitude – own space To sort own thoughts Clarity Awareness Presence Authenticity to self	Autonomy Freedom Choosing goals/dreams/values Choosing plans for fulfilling these	Variety & change Challenge Adventure Mental or creative stimulation
Love, connection Nurturance Empathy Understanding Acceptance Affection Reassurance and support Emotional safety Sexual expression	Belonging Community Participation Contribution Co-operation Forgiveness Peace Harmony with others	Creation, expression, Play, fun, laughter Inspiration Celebration of dreams fulfilled, loved ones, or loss (mourning)

We have stronger needs in some areas than others, however most of us need a touch of each of these. It’s useful for us to tune into our needs so that we can understand ourselves, and to keep them in proportion.

If our need to feel special and important constantly outweighs our need for equality and harmony, we may need to figure out why. If our need to belong is so great that we sacrifice all other needs, we may also need to re-assess.

While it is our own responsibility to meet these needs, we can request help from each other to meet our needs. Relationships are a rich bounty of this kind of assistance, but expectations of others can create dependency and entitlement.

So how do we go about meeting our needs?

Check in. These are some feelings you might have when your needs are being met:

Amazed
Comfortable
Confident
Connected to life or to others
Content
Empathy
Eager
Encouraged
Energetic
Excited
Fulfilled, content
Glad, joyful, happy

Gratitude, thankful
Happy
Hopeful
Inspired
Intrigued
Loved and love
Proud
Relieved
Stimulated (mentally, creatively, physically etc)
Surprised
Touched
Trustful

These are some feelings you might have when your needs are not being met:

Angry
Annoyed
Concerned
Confused
Disappointed
Discouraged
Distressed
Disgust
Embarrassed
Edgy

Empty
Frustrated
Fearful
Guilty
Hesitant
Helpless
Hopeless
Hurt
Impatient
Irritated

Jealous
Lonely
Nervous
Numb or indifferent
Overwhelmed
Reluctant
Sadness, grief
Shame, remorse
Uncomfortable

It’s useful to be in-tune as often as you can. If you are feeling unfulfilled or out of sorts, check into exactly what you are feeling or needing. Then you can consciously decide on the best plan.

This might involve:

Doing something directly for your self. Eating, exercising, tidying, relaxing etc
Prioritizing your needs if they are in conflict: i.e. your need for freedom may outweigh your need to instantly own a large amount of cash
Talking to someone to clarify what you need and what to do about it
Requesting support. Non Violent Communication offers a clear framework for making requests in a way that is respectful to our selves and others.

We might say:

When I see/hear/imagine…… (make an observation as neutrally as possible)
I feel……..because I need/value…….
Would you be willing to…….?

5. Offering support
We might say:

When x happens, or when you see/hear…….
Do you feel….. because you need…..? (we can try to guess another’s needs, but never assume – always check)
What do you feel? What do you need?
Would you like…….?

6. Gratitude for the happiness of fulfillment. Enjoy

These ideas are directly sourced from Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent Communication publications and website.

For more information see:

http://www.cnvc.org/